Water Bottle Buying Guide for the Deranged

Buying the right water bottle is no easy task, so here is a long paragraph of needless information that I will use up your precious time with by describing the process instead of providing the information. The trend of bottled water has created a disaster in the middle of the Pacific ocean or whatever that ocean to the left of America is called. It's called the great huge garbage patch where all the garbage flushed out to sea collects like some magnetic force where tides intersect. It circles like vultures over a fresh corpse, a mid-ocean vortex sucking garbage towards it like a flushing toilet. It's the size of Texas only it's made of garbage. So basically it's another Texas only in the ocean.

Above: big garbage patch in the ocean

With Mother Nature at stake, finding the right water bottle is harder than finding the right woman. Aluminum bottles are better than plastic because plastic collects dirt and doesn't biodegrade. Plastic breathes, and to make matters worse, has recesses germs can chill out and get down and party in. Personally I don't know the differences between stainless steel, aluminum and metal but I'd go with stainless steel because it sounds cooler. So the only major function to pick from now is whether you want a twist off waterbottle or a cap with a hole you can drink out of.

Twist vs. cap with a hole you can drink out of

Okay, if you're a traditionalist you're gonna want to go with a twist. Less working parts, less to worry about, more simplicity, more elegant-looking. It's got it all, dogs. But truth be told, most if not all waterbottles have a twisting mechanism. What you want to make sure of when buying the right waterbottle is that you don't have to make an excessive amount of twists. Say you come home and your house is on fire and you're holding your waterbottle and you walk in to save your cat but your cat is also on fire and you have to pour water on him. You'll be glad you took the extra time to find a waterbottle cap that removes in 3 twists as opposed to 5-6. And remember, each twist you spare is another second you get to spend with your grandchildren.

Now, the cap with the hole you can drink out of has its benefits, too. For one, it's easier to drink out of with only one hand and requires no twisting. They're easier to drink from if you're riding a bike. Some of them require you bite a straw-like mechanism to raise them and in the process look like a neanderthal. You're better off finding a waterbottle with one of those buttons that slings it open like a switchblade. On the down side they're uglier, they have more working parts, that slinging thing might break, and the plastic parts will get dirty and germy. Oh, I looked it up, they're called fliptop lids.

Double fucking insulated 

If you want to go high class and get the Mercedes Benz-level high quality, styling stuff, you've got to go with double fucking insulated. What does this mean to the average motherfucker? For the layman, it means your shit is insulated twice. That means your cold drinks stay cold really long, even if you're biking or jogging. It means your warm drinks stay warm. Are these the only positives for going double fucking insulated? No. God no. The best feature is that they're condensation free. No more sweaty cup syndrome. No more worrying about water rings on the coffee table. The downside is that more insulation means less space to carry water.

Other shit to consider

Other shit to consider is portability. If you're carrying your waterbottle around without a handle, you're going to get tired more quickly in your hand area. Loop handles usually only come with traditional twist off cap models. Additionally, if your handle is only one finger big, that's also sucky and inconvenient to carry. Why designers do this, I don't know. It's for portability, not a wedding ring. Like the aforementioned perfect woman you want something approximately two fingers wide for ease of handling.

Below: Starbucks waterbottle sporting multiple finger support handle

More other shit to consider

• Big bottle opening allows you to add ice in a pinch
• Rimming can get dirty (no jokes, here) if not well soldered
• Fancy engraved designs will retain dirt or soap, get something internally sleek
• Girls are impressed by expensive waterbottles and extensive waterbottle knowledge
• Some bottles come with filters and they suck
• Dehydration kills 337 million people per year
• You're not adding more plastic to the great garbage patch

Final thoughts & recommendation

People often ask me what waterbottle is right for them, and before my schizophrenic hallucinations disappear, I tell them all the same thing. The right waterbottle varies by individual. Each person has unique tastes and needs. This is not a vote in a presidential election, this is something that will affect your everyday life. Only you can make that call. Only you can prevent forest fires.

My current rig is the 18oz. Thermos vacuum insulated stainless steel hydration bottle in charcoal color. The thing's got that executive, high class look, and feel, if you take into account the helpful rubber grip. It keeps drinks cold for almost a day if you use enough ice. Sure, you feel like sorta a twat popping the fliptop lid, but it beats unscrewing for every sip. Minimal twisting required to remove the cap. It's worth every penny. Water is a daily requirement, after all. Obey your thirst.